Saturday, September 24, 2011

Bad Playhouse Vol. 1: The Indifferent Dead

Little Cerberus awoke one morning to find himself dead, or rather, that he had passed away during the night, thus joining the ranks of the undead. Despite the discouraging situation, he decided to get up & get dressed, and, typical of his morning routine, lit up a cigarette. But to his chagrin, he found that, in being dead, he wasn't breathing, and thus, couldn't inhale the smoke. So, he crushed out his cigarette, having an epiphany that maybe it was a good thing, as zombies tend to catch fire. He thought for a few minutes, & decided he should probably be out on the street eating brains. He looked out the window, then at his watch. It was Saturday at 6:00am, so there probably wouldn't be that many people out just yet, so he decided to check his email first. Mostly the usual newsletters & digests & whatnot, but nothing important, and he figured he may as well check for any new porn. Unfortunately, being dead, he came to learn, included the lil' soldier, so he decided to hit the streets early. He roamed around for a few hours with no success, encountering mostly people doing yard work (with, of course, their large, sharp yard tools), a few unsavory looking characters of which he was still quite apprehensive, and a few unattended children which he really didn't think he could kill & eat without feeling guilty. Being his first day as a zombie, Little Cerberus wasn't to sure about this whole cannibalism thing anyway, and decided what he was really in the mood for, was a kielbasa in a bun, drenched in cheddar sauce from a nearby convenience store. But when he got there, all they had left were some day old taco fingers. He wasn't really hungry anyway, so he just bought a newspaper & went home. And from there, just sat at the kitchen table for the next hundred years stinking up the place. At one point, someone tried to break in, but they were driven off by the smell. After about a century of sitting there, rereading the same paper, he started getting regular visits from reporters & documentarians & the like, wanting his perspective on the events leading up to the Great Eastern Peace Accord of 2013, only to reveal that he didn't find out about it until eight years afterwords, when somebody made a TV movie about it, & that, at the time, the news was dominated by flooding in the Midwest & the indiscretions of some senator from Nebraska with over 700 adult film stars, while the common man was more concerned with a recent outbreak of avian herpes & a proposed amendment to the capital gains tax. They always left disappointed, but that didn't stop them from coming back & asking the same stupid questions, about the same stupid topics, that in Little Cerberus' day nobody really cared about, or even knew about. Eventually, the property taxes got kinda' steep, & Little Cerberus wound up having to sublet his basement out to a vampire, who happened to be a vegetarian with some weird thing for chocolate bars dipped in ketchup, but that's another story.

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