A really Old One

"If Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston couldn't make it, what chance do the rest of us have?" My mom always tells me I really need a woman in my life. Every few months, the landlady comes around with the bug sprayers & sees how crappy my apartment is, and she tells me that I really need a woman in my life. Then she calls my mom & tells my mom how crappy my apartment is, and they both end up agreeing that I really need a woman in my life. The cashier at the local supermarket sees me buying three packs of hot dogs & sliced swiss every week, and she always tells me that I really need to find me a woman. "First love is kind of like your first time on skis; You fall down a lot, and it doesn't last long." - Edie Brickell The closest thing I ever had to a girlfriend (if you can call it that) was this fat broad that used to call me up every time she needed a ride. That was about fifteen years ago. I wore out two motorbikes being her taxi service. Then in '93 I had to move to another state. She never did return any of my phone calls or respond to any of my letters. I even went so far as to send her a S.A.S.E. with a brief questionair. Nada. "All I can say is, LOVE STINKS!" - The J. Giels Band Of course I kept trying & getting nowhere, but 'round about '95 things got way worse. It seems every time I hit the town, I kept getting hit on by homsexuals. It kept on like that, so round about '98 I just gave up & bought myself some magazines. "If you're a shy, lonely teen or young adult, you can't fly like an eagle if you're busy runnin' your mouth with a bunch of phony phone sex turkeys. If their so swingin', what are they doin' talkin' to YOU on a Friday or Saturday night?" - Webb Wilder, the idol of idle youth and burnin' god of love There are occasions that I'll find myself lamenting bachelorhood at thi- well, at my age, and then I'll get some kind of reminder that things could always be worse. Usually, it's this guy at work who's currently on wife 6 who always has some crazy story about wives 3 & 5. But the thing that's left the biggest impression on me so far, was finding a copy of Santa Claus (1959) at the DollarTree last year. Santa Claus (1959) After sitting through five hours (actually ten minutes that feels like five hours) of Santa's elementry school play from Hell, I now have a greater understanding of why some of my some of my old friends started getting kinda crabby after they got married & had kids. "A rose in a cow pasture is still a rose, just watch your step" By now, you're probably thinking "I'm glad I'm not THIS loser", and in that regard, I hope you find it somewhat uplifting, but at this point in my life I like to think that I've got it made; Nobody to bug me about my favorite moth eaten shirt, nobody hogging the remote, nobody to bug me about what I eat, when I eat it or in which room I eat it, nobody to... nobody to... Eh, who am I kiddin'. BAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!